Arthur is ecstatic. Sam is thrilled because Mommy is home more. I'm not sure how to feel about it, actually. Part of me is relieved. Obviously going to school added a fair bit of stress to my life. Weekly, daily deadlines. Being tested on kanji I had studied the night before sometime between Sam's bedtime and the point at which I couldn't stay awake any longer. Presentations, memorization, being stretched beyond my limits and always feeling like I didn't know enough. And I do appreciate having more time and energy to invest in my family and in our ministry.
And yet part of me misses it already. I miss the interaction, the camaraderie, the competition, the high standards, the chance to get out of my apartment without a diaper bag multiple times a week. I grew to love my teachers and my classmates over the past two years. My post-school life is decidedly less structured and my accomplishments are much less measurable. The only expectations on me are the ones I can't meet, like "Change the world" and "Make our investment in your ministry worth it." I have to set my own pace of continued learning, figure out how to pursue relationships and share the gospel I so recently learned how to explain in this complicated language. I have to create my own goals and ask for accountability. It was easier in many ways to be able to outsource that to my teachers!
And yet in this new season of ambiguity and transition, I find that I am forced to look to the One whose opinion matters the most. What does God expect of me? Surely it is more than language competency, more than meeting expectations of those who sent us. A humble heart. Patience with my family. A joyful attitude of service, no matter what the task. Time spent with him allowing myself to be molded into his image. Seeking and following his leading as I go about my day and interact with those he puts in my path.
I'm thankful for my two years of language school, and at the same time I am thankful they are over. God, help me be faithful with what you bring next!